Obfuscation > Histrionics

Histrionics

The History of the term "Swing"
Swing actually dates to the time of Mozart in his youth. Young Wolfgang's eccentric uncle Basil, who being descended from royalty was himself a count, built a pendulum like contrivance under four pieces of lumber in the shape of a pyramid on which young Mozart and his sister could play. Unfortunately this was during the time of Salzburg's great "timber famine" brought on by a boom in the wood eye industry. Due to this lack of wood, the contraption was built with one leg shorter than the other three. The result was a thumping on the ground by the legs in the peculiar long-short feel familiar to all jazz musicians. Count Basil had referred to this toy as "un schving", hence the name stuck for the lopsided rhythmic effect known today as swing.

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Test your musical knowledge by matching the piece to the description.

1. Misty 2. Round Midnight 3. Birdland 4. Stardust 5. Goodbye Pork Pie Hat

A. Youth, Hollywood, the music industry, drugs. These are all elements of this dissonant, erratic, and little known piece, written by a relatively unknown gangster of the 1990's. Mr. Michael was a get-away driver for his posse and because of this was given one of his two monikers "Car" by his compatriots, the other nick-name coming from the full sandwich he could actually stuff entirely in his mouth. The song became a hip-hop anthem to the drug-du-jour, a white powder that was extremely popular with actors and pop musicians. This minor piece eventually worked its way into the jazz world, however it never reached popularity except in Idaho and a few rural areas on the Missouri-Oklahoma border. B. From a misspelled sign in front of "Lester's Food Emporium and Haberdashery." C. This amazing jazz classic, written by Thelonius, speaks musically of the great circle of life. Thelonius was a pious man of the 14th century who later in life resigned himself to a monastery. The reference to Midnight is, of course, homage to death, but in death, the connection to the pax musicalis brings us back to the light so that we come 'round again. This song has led to many other tributes such as Yes' "Roundabout", and Billy Ray Cyrus' "She'll be Comin' 'Round the Mountain." The Monk Thelonius' epistrophy to the evonce of life holds an ermite bemsha in the eronels of all true jazz crepuscules. D. Piece of music dedicated to the beauty and talent of an unmarried black woman, who plays the role of a short-tempered, body-slamming team member. Although her true grace and loveliness is sometimes covered by the amount of "bling" she wears and the strangely styled hair-do of a strip of hair down the center of her head, she nonetheless Garners her share of love. E. Written in homage to the "kingpin" of production in the largest industry of Northwest Arkansas, Charlie Walton. Cousin of the the famed founder of Wal-Mart, Charlie's first job was as a valet at the Super Store's main office, hence his nickname. Charlie soon grew tired of the status quo and started his own company which is so eloquently spoken of in the title of this piece.

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The Waltz is a Funny Critter

The term waltz was originally used for a dance in triple meter. Through the miracle of ignorance, it has now come to mean practically any piece in triple meter. Did you know our National Anthem (no, not America, The Beautiful) comes from an old drinking song/waltz? Did you know that the Tennessee Waltz sets up temporal displacement, i.e. the words are about a past event which couldn't have taken place until the song was written? And finally, why is Waltzin' Matilda in 4/4 time?

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The "Top Five Jazz Songs of All Time" as selected by the patrons of Bottle's Bar and Shotgun Emporium on Scenic Highway 7, Hot Springs.
5. 'Rollin' On A River'
4. 'Hawaii 5-Oh'
3. 'Pop Corn'
2. 'Old Lang Sign'
1. 'Yakkety Sax', 'Tough', or anything Boots Randolph ever did

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Yogi Berra on Jazz:

Interviewer: Can you explain jazz?
Yogi: I can't, but I will. Ninety percent of all jazz is half improvisation. The other half is the part people play while others are playing something they never played with anyone who played that part. So if you play the wrong part, it's right. If you play the right part, it might be right if you play it wrong enough. But if you play it too right, it's wrong.

Interviewer: I don't understand.
Yogi: Anyone who understands jazz knows that you can't understand it. It's too complicated. That's what's so simple about it.

Interviewer: Do you understand it?
Yogi: No. That's why I can explain it. If I understood it, I wouldn't know anything about it.

Interviewer: Are there any great jazz players alive today?
Yogi: No. All the great jazz players alive today are dead. Except for the ones that are still alive. But so many of them are dead that the ones that are still alive are dying to be like the ones that are dead.

Interviewer: What is syncopation?
Yogi: That's when the note that you should hear now happens either before or after you hear it. In jazz, you don't hear notes when they happen because that would be some other type of music. Other types of music can be jazz, but only if they're the same as something different from those other kinds.

Interviewer: Now I really don't understand.
Yogi: I haven't taught you enough for you to not understand jazz that well.

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And so the Lord said ...

"Noah, awaken and heed my words!" And Noah didst tremble, saying, "Lord, why hath thou wakened me?"

And the Lord did say, "Noah, build me a jazz band. For the earth will be visited by a plague of Brides, followed by forty days of Trade Shows and forty nights of Awards Banquets followed by Rock & Roll and Country/Western Music. They will all be jazz oblivious. This pleaseth me not and so we must invent jazz."

And Noah didst say, "Command me Lord."

And the Lord didst say, "First, thou must find me a leader."

And Noah replied, "But Lord, will I not be thy leader?"

And the Lord sayeth; "Fool, thou will be my contractor. Ask not why!"

And Noah didst bow his head, saying, "Yes my Lord. And what instrument will the leader play?"

And the Lord said, "It matters little whether he play or not, or whether he be proficient or not. For his job shall primarily be to schmooze, and to deal with clients, and to count the tempos wrong, and to inquire as to whether overtime will happen, and to try to segue tunes that should not be segued. If he playeth any instrument, thou must always have a capable player of that instrument in the band just to be safe."

And Noah didst say, "And what else shall this leader do?"

And the Lord replied, "It shall be his job to spread bad information and confusion amongst the sidemen and to pit them one against the other, and to delay all payments. Further shall it be his job, until we can afford a soundman, to create feedback, and to invent new equalization."

And Noah did shaketh his head in wonder, saying, "Lord, thy ways are strange and mysterious. What more shall I do?"

And the Lord said, "Next, find me a Rhythm Section. First, find me a drummer. And three things above all must this drummer possess. First, this drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that whenever he playeth a fill (and he shall play many), he always emergeth at a different place, but thou may not guess which, nor where 'one' now is to be found. And second, he must be supremely discontent, always hoping for the Big Break which will lead him to playing with Wedding Bands or for other high paying gigs, so that he secretly despiseth jazz. And third, he must always be convinced of his righteousness, in all things, including time, volume, tempo and feel, so that he argueth always with the leader and the bass player."

And Noah didst say, "Bass player?"

And the Lord didst say, "Yes, Bass player. He shall be bored, he shall overplay and he shall sing off key. That is All."

And Noah didst say, "Of course. And next, my Lord?"

And the Lord did say, "Next shall be the Keyboard Player. And he shall play as if he has twenty fingers, and he shall play substitute upon substitute, until no man may name the chord, and he will not be helpful. Furthermore, he shall always be late. And he shall always be trying out new gear of which he has no knowledge."

And Noah didst wonder aloud, "Lord, Great is thy wisdom!"

And the Lord didst wisely continue, "Next shall be the Guitar Player and he shall be loud. Also shall he know not how to read "The Book", and so shall rely upon his ears, which have been damaged by exposure to high sound pressure levels. For guitar players who read "The Book" shall already be playing shows, and will be making the big shekels. And his uniform shall be the rattiest."

And the Lord didst say, "Next thou shall need Horns."

"First shall be Saxophones. And they shall either be Beboppers who play Bird quotes in every song, yea, even the ballad medley, or copiers of Johnny Dodds and Sidney Bechet. They shall get drunk and high on every break, chase but never catch women, and make long faces all night long, but especially when "Moon River" is called."

"Next, shall be the Trumpeters. And they shall every one attempt to take everything up an octave, and fail most frequently. And of changes they shall know nothing."

"And finally shall be the Trombone Players. And many jokes will be made about him, for they will have beepers that never beep, as well as a day job, and they will be the first to be cut from the band."

And Noah, taking many notes, didst say, "Mighty is the Lord!"

And the Lord didst say, "Next, shall be the String Player. He will attach pickups to his violin that is more ancient even than myself, so that the instrument screecheth and causeth great pain. His job shall be to dress in foppish clothing with hair in a pony tail, to fake parts, and to complain about the volume and the intonation, and to impede the swing."

And Noah didst say, "What can be left, Lord?"

And the Lord didst say, "Finally, find me the singers. And they shall be two, one male and one female. And the male shall be a strutting peacock, with girlie man hair, and he shall never have to wear the tuxedo, and also shall play the harmonica. The female shall ALWAYS sing the power ballads, and the novelty songs. She shall sing backup for the male, and forget the words, and be late, and know nothing of keys or form. And together, they shall leave every gig immediately, having never touched a piece of equipment. And they shall be paid more shekels than the sidemen. Ask not why."

And the Lord continued.

"Together they shall be melded into a dissonant band that plays mysterious polyrhythmic music called Jazz. It shall grow to immense proportions in New Orleans amongst sinners, whorehouses and honky tonks several millennia from now. But fear not within a 100 years from birth, it shall be played in Churches and other places of high learning. And it shall be called art. Go figureth."

And the Lord didst command him, "Search high and low for these, as not every musician can fulfill these requirements. And though we have no work yet, a commitment must be secured from all. And while you're at it, start looking for subs."